Friday, September 5, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Four months ago, the Republican Vice Presidential nominee named her* child after Van Halen.
Trig Paxson Van Palin (an homage to the rock band Van Halen) was born in April. With Trig in tow, Palin returned to work a few days later, for a meeting of her energy team.
It's one thing to have a few posters of a spread-eagled David Lee Roth underneath your bearskin rug, but to include a pun related to the band in your kid's name, that's so...dazed and confused:
EXT. BACK PORCH - NIGHT
Gathered with a few friends and family, BARRICUDA, wearing a VH 1979 World Tour shirt chills outside of AIP convention after-hours party. A joint of Great Alaskan Thunderfuck is passed.
BARRICUDA: (takes hit) I was thinking...(cough, snort) I was thinking of naming one of the kids Van Palen.
LEVI: You mean, like, (giggles) the guy in Dracula.
TODD: Nah, brah, like the band.
WOODERSON: Alright, alright, alright.
CUT TO... PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN TRAIL?!
And we're supposed to believe she is a serious candidate to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.
But supporters shout, "She's the everywoman, the girl next door."
I don't want my neighbor running for Vice President.
*Yes, while questions still remain regarding Bristol's extended school absence and the slooooowest leak, amniotic or otherwise, since the Edwards love child story, I feel that the absence of further evidence absolves Gov. Palin of suspicion in any baby-switching plot.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
This photo was taken on February 5, Super Tuesday, when Sarah Palin was 6 months pregnant (Trig was born on April 18). She looks good, right? Not showing at all . . . at SIX months of her FIFTH pregnancy.
Here's another strange fact:
The governor's water broke during the energy conference but she stayed and gave a 30-minute speech before boarding an Alaska Airlines plane home to deliver the baby.
The flight from Dallas to Juneau takes around 11-12 hours and it's a widely accepted fact in the medical community that time in labor usually decreases with each successive childbirth. Airlines don't usually let you fly without a doctor's note if you are 28-weeks pregnant or more (In Palin's case she was reportedly at 32 weeks) and Section II.7.1 of the FAA Regulations Manual on transportation of patients by airlines states the following:
Obstetrical patients in later stages provide a significant risk of precipitating delivery during flight; pregnancy past 32 weeks should be carefully considered for restriction from flight and those past 36 weeks should be prohibited from flying. An aircraft is not a delivery room.
Palin apparently was not only able to keep her 8 month pregnancy a secret from the airline employees before the 12 hour flight, but also the fact that her water had broken. Of course, the easiest way to keep that secret is if you aren't actually pregnant.
Bristol Palin, Gov. Palin's 17-year old daughter, was out of school for the last 4-5 months of the Governor's pregnancy with mononucleosis.
There appears to be a lot of smoke, but no fire yet, and there may never be, but what makes campaigning in the age of the internet so taxing is that every blogger has a smoke detector. Wasilla, AK, this ain't Governor. Welcome to the national stage, for better or for worse.
In parting, a video for your perusal. Does she look and act 6.5 months pregnant in this video . . . hard to say. She is wearing the same outfit she was wearing on Super Tuesday. Is that her pregnancy suit?
Note: Pictures of Palin during her pregnancy have already been taken down from the Alaskan Government website. Keep an eye on this link to see if it disappears.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Should McCain get elected he will be older than the average life expectancy for American white males during his first term.
Note: This is not the average life expectancy for Americans who were tortured for five years in Vietnam. Based on what McCain suffered through, I would guess that expectancy would be lower.
The Protocol loves demographic reductionism.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Oh. Not THAT Georgia.
Do we have troops there? No...
Well, didja hear that NASA produced those new swimsuits that Phelps is wearing?
In a surprising turn of events Americans don't give a shit about conflict abroad.
This is why Obama chose to take his vacation now. He figured accurately that the Olympics would provide him media cover, even in the face of an act of war by our Cold War nemesis.
Even the internets with their ten-thousand tiny microscopes have moved on from the Caucasus to dissect the upcoming Purpose-Driven Debate with Rick Warren. Follow that up with an Obama veep announcement and the denouement of the Games of the XXIX Olympiad and Georgia won't be on our minds. Was this the October surprise the McCain camp had been waiting for? I hope not. There's a reason it's called the October surprise...
because it happens in October...
right before the election...
when everyone and their grandmother is focused on the campaigns.
If Randy Scheunemann had been slowly stroking his Georgia woody since he left his role as Saakashvili's man in Washington in May, I hope he didn't get overly excited when McCain was the only guy left in the room this week.
The foreplay is far from over and the clean-up could be awkward.
The Protocol is never premature in its analytical ejaculations.
All journalists in Beijing have been issued the 21 edicts from the Chinese Governments propaganda unit.
While the American media enjoys freedom of the press and prides itself on ability to speak truth to power, they figured the Chinese were onto something here and issued their own 21 edicts.
What follows is an item-by-item comparison of the 21 Chinese edicts with The 21 edicts for mainstream media election coverage.
1. The telecast of sports events will be live [but] in case of emergencies, no print is allowed to report on it.
1. The telecast of gaffes will be live [but] if McCain has a "senior moment", no print is allowed to report on it.
2. From August 1, most of the previously accessible overseas websites will be unblocked. No coverage is allowed on this development. There's also no need to use stories published overseas on this matter and [website] operators should not provide any superlinks on their pages.
2. From mid-July, most of the previously unacceptable character attacks will be unblocked only for the candidate trailing in the polls. No coverage is allowed on this development.
3. Be careful with religious and ethnic subjects.
3. Be careful with religious and ethnic subjects.
4. Don't make fuss about foreign leaders at the opening ceremony, especially in relation to seat arrangements or their private lives.
4. Don't make fuss about candidates when they travel abroad, especially in relation to crowd arrangements or their ability to inspire.
5. We have to put special emphasis on ethnic equality. Any perceived racist terms as "black athlete" or "white athlete" is not allowed. During the official telecast, we can refer to Taiwan as "Chinese Taipei". In ordinary times, refer to Taiwanese athletes as "those from the precious island Taiwan....." In case of any pro Taiwan-independence related incident inside the venue, you shall follow restrictions listed in item 1.
5. We have to put special emphasis on ethnic equality. Any perceived racist terms as "black politician" or "white politician" is not allowed. During the official telecasts, we can refer to Sen. Obama as "Sen. Barack Obama". In ordinary times, refer to Sen. Obama as "that black man from the precious island Hawaii....." In case of any pro race-baiting related incident inside any venue, you shall dissect it for a minimum of 3 news cycles.
6. For those ethnic Chinese coaches and athletes who come back to Beijing to compete on behalf of other countries, don't play up their "patriotism" since that could backfire with their adopted countries.
6. For those ethnic Scotch-Irish Americans who surface from their hollows to speak on behalf of Appalachia, don't play up their "patriotism" since that could backfire with Americans who believe, "all men are created equal," and other quaint notions expressed in our founding documents.
7. As for the Pro-Tibetan independence and East Turkistan movements, no coverage is allowed. There's also no need to make fuss about our anti-terrorism efforts.
7. As for Darfur and Afghanistan, no coverage is allowed. Please make a fuss about our anti-terrorism efforts.
8. All food saftey issues, such as cancer-causing mineral water, is off-limits.
8. All food safety issues, such as the deadly strain of e coli that develops only in corn and grain-fed cattle and spreads in the confined quarters of our factory farms, are off-limits.
9. In regard to the three protest parks, no interviews and coverage is allowed.
9. In regard to PUMAs protesting in Denver, interviews and coverage is encouraged.
10. No fuss about the rehearsals on August 2,5. No negative comments about the opening ceremony.
10. No fuss about the conventions on August 25-28, and September 1-4. No negative comments about the speaker slots.
11.No mention of the Lai Changxing case.
11.Please mention the Rielle Hunter case.
12.No mention of those who illegally enter China.
12.No mention of our economy's dependence on the labor of those who illegally enter America.
13.On international matters, follow the official line. For instance, follow the official propaganda line on the North Korean nuclear issue; be objective when it comes to the Middle East issue and play it down as much as possible; no fuss about the Darfur question; No fuss about UN reform; be careful with Cuba. If any emergency occurs, please report to the foreign ministry.
13.On international matters, follow the official line. For instance, follow the official propaganda line on the North Korean nuclear issue; be objective when it comes to the Middle East issue and play it down as much as possible; no fuss about the Darfur question; No fuss about UN reform; be careful with Gitmo. If any emergency occurs, please follow the Bush Administration's lead.
14. If anything related to territorial dispute happens, make no fuss about it. Play down the Myanmar issue; play down the Takeshima island dispute.
14. If anything related to territorial dispute happens, make no fuss about it. Play down the Georgia issue; play down failed African nations.
15. Regarding diplomatic ties between China and certain nations, don't do interviews on your own and don't use online stories. Instead, adopt Xinhua stories only. Particularly on the Doha round negotiation, US elections, China-Iran co-operation, China-Aussie co-operation, China-Zimbabwe co-operation, China-Paraguay co-operation.
15. Regarding diplomatic ties between USA and certain nations, don't do interviews on your own and don't use online stories. Instead, adopt AP stories only. Particularly on the Kyoto Protocol, Reasons for going to war in Iraq, USA-Saudi Arabia co-operation, USA-Georgia co-operation, USA-Pakistan co-operation, and our role in the UN.
16.Be very careful with TV ratings, only use domestic body's figures. Play it down when rating goes down.
16.Be very careful with any poll that shows one candidate with a decent lead, only use national polls that are close to tied. The race is always tied or too close to call. Remember to report that honestly.
17. In case of an emergency involving foreign tourists, please follow the official line. If there's no official line, stay away from it.
17. In case of an emergency involving Americans struggling against an act of nature, please follow the official line. If there's no official line, stay away from it.
18. Re possible subway accidents in the capital, please follow the official line.
18. Re possible accidents in the capital, please follow the official line, i.e. accuse Arab terrorists first. Note: If government official becomes primary suspect in an act of terrorism, stay away from it.
19.Be positive on security measures.
19.Be positive on security measures. Always remind Americans to be afraid.
20. Be very careful with stock market coverage during the Games.
20. Be very careful with economics coverage during the election. Americans don't understand basic economics. Try to keep it that way.
21.Properly handle coverage of the Chinese sports delegation:
A.don't criticise the selection process
B.don't overhype gold medals; don't issue predictions on gold medal numbers; don't make fuss about cash rewards for athletes.
C.don't make a fuss about isolated misconducts by athletes.
D.enforce the publicity of our anti-doping measures.
E. put emphasis on government efforts to secure the retirement life of atheletes.
F. keep a cool head on the Chinese performance. Be prepared for possible fluctations in the medal race.
G. refrain from publishing opinion pieces at odds with the official propangada line of the Chinese delegation.
21.Properly handle coverage of the rest of the media:
A.don't criticize speculation in reporting.
B.don't overhype the candidates engaging the issues; don't issue predictions about our country being in a crisis; don't make fuss about cash rewards from lobbyists.
C.Please make a fuss about even the faintest whiff of connection to or actual impropriety by key members of campaign staffs.
D.enforce the publicity of our anti-terrorism policies. Again, terror is everywhere.
E. put emphasis on government efforts to secure the retirement life of Americans. Hide the fact that the previous Administration failed miserably at this goal.
F. keep a cool head on polling performance. Be prepared for possible fluctations in the horse race and report on even the tiniest movement.
G. refrain from fact-checking.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Karl Rove's latest strategy memo has been posted on the WSJ Opinion page. Rove highlights Colorado, Virginia, Ohio, and Michigan as the four key battleground states. I don't take issue with this thesis, but the rest of his map is laughably optimistic.
Let's take a look at the article.
If Mr. McCain lost Colorado and Virginia, he would likely have 264 electoral votes (assuming he carried the other states President Bush won in 2004). To win, he would have to pick up a state Democrats are counting on winning, such as Michigan.
Ummm...just because you put it in parentheses Karl, doesn't make the statement disappear. Assuming he wins the Bush states! Really, you're going to slide that in as a given in your analysis. Last time I checked Obama has had significant and consistent polling leads throughout 2008 in both Iowa and New Mexico, two "Bush states." But you'll account for those two states later in the opinion when you run-down the list of competitive states, right?
Other states will see serious competition, including Florida, Pennsylvania, Nevada, New Hampshire, Missouri and Wisconsin.
Oh, okay, you've conceded IA and NM to Obama. Great. So now lets check your addition. Bush won 286 EVs in 2004. Subtract from that Iowa's 7 EVs and New Mexico's 5 EVs and McCain is down to 274 EVs. Now, if we continue with Rove's scenario of Obama winning CO and VA, we need to subtract 9 EVs for CO and 13 EVs for VA. McCain is now at 252 EVs, NOT 264. Even if McCain flipped Michigan the two candidates would be tied at 269 and the tie goes to Obama.
Of course that line of analysis assumes McCain runs the table in MI (Obama +3), OH (Obama +1.1), MT (McCain +1.7), FL (McCain +2), NV (McCain +2), MO (McCain +4.1), and IN (McCain +4.7). (538 numbers in parentheses).
If he does that, wait, he STILL loses.
Rove's analysis here is a joke. He is obviously trading on his reputation as an electoral "genius" to disguise preposterous scenarios as realistic possibilities. The irony is, based on memos like this, this type of unfounded, optimistic report wouldn't cross McCain's desk if Rove were running his campaign.
Can we all stop pretending that Karl Rove, "journalist" will provide the same type of analysis as Karl Rove, campaign manager.
The Protocol would never overlook Iowa. New Mexico? Maybe.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
How not to respond to McCain attack memes:
- Claim, as does Bob Herbert, that McCain's "Celebrity" ad deliberately juxtaposed Britney Spears with 'phallic' imagery like the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Washington Monument to inflame subconscious fears of interracial sex.
- Suggest, as does Timothy Noah in Slate, that the WSJ's article on Obama's skinniness is really about his race.
- Opine, as does The One himself, that the political party that represents about 50% of the nation "takes pride in being ignorant."
- Point out that McCain himself now concedes that inflating your tires is a good idea.
- Circulate widely the news that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, potential dark-horse McCain VP pick, supports Obama's energy plan. (Question: is she now off the shortlist because she endorsed Obama's plan, or is it the other way around? Discuss.)
- Somehow get the most loathed celebrity in America, and the daughter of a major McCain supporter, to release the best political ad of the season so far:
- . . . and don't let the McCain camp somehow claim that Ms. Hilton's energy plan is the GOP plan, when in fact it's nearly identical to your own.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Now who knows what this means, but for shits and giggles I typed in the following web addresses today:
. . . and only one of them links directly to the Democratic Party's website.
If it's true, color me disappointed.
UPDATE: Koan gets totally pwned by his lack of knowledge about who owns website names. Oh well.
The October Protocol is sick of waiting and wants to fucking know already.